Monday, June 2, 2008

I Am No Longer Young (Pt. 1 of 2)

I'll bet that a lot of you have been wondering were I've been the last few months. I really haven't been writing much on here. I guess you would have to chalk it up to a situation of motivation. I don't really have a substantial amount at these times. This has been the norm for the last few months. I figured I would at least offer my excuse here. It seems as good a place as any. I have been without inspiration for a while now and I really see no end in site to these massive doldrums. I would love to just lift myself from this muck, but I just haven't had the strength. I will get mild plights of sudden thought but, given a few minutes, it's gone along with the muse that it rode in on. I am sorry to say that I have nothing inspiring to tell you; no in-sight of profound proportions has brought my gaze away from the feeling of pure, honest being. While just being isn't necessarily bad, it is a bit stagnant for my palette.

I was at a wedding last weekend that seemingly removed me from this castrated being. While it did lift the feeling of, well, indifference that plagues me, if only temporarily, it didn't seem to get at the root of the problem. Some may classify this as an early mid-life crisis but I would like to argue formal semantics with any one individual of such a shallow opinion. This goes a bit deeper than that as everything else in my life. Probing questions and attempting to solve insolvable problems can usually drag down a mood and make the invincibility of youth that guards you shrink away in fear. I am no longer young. My questions keep mounting as I read further. A quest for knowledge or an understanding of life, meaning, existence and everything is equivalent to walking into a house that you thought had two rooms but, instead, it turns out to be a thousand. There really is no end to learning.

Some of the best lessons always turn out to be the simplest. My grandfather (Oscar, for those that ask) taught me one of the best as a child. I remember asking him who he had voted for after the 1988 Presidential Election. He told me that he never tells people who he voted for. As far as I know, all those votes went to the grave with him. The moral of the story?

Everyone roots for a bad guy occasionally. Just never tell anyone which one you were rooting for. It will show your character.

Looking back on what little I knew of his life before me, I can tell that mistakes were made. But, that wasn't what mattered to him. Einstein made mistakes (lambda), as did Napoleon (Russian Invasion). So, then there is two logical questions at this point.

What is my mistake?

What are my flaws?

From what I can gander at from this vantage point, I would say that the second question is far easier to answer. I'm indifferent, cold, in-human in thought more often than not, I have creative droughts that last for months at a time, and I have an inability for intimacy with anyone. Some will posit that I am uncaring and they would be well within their bounds to declare such a misunderstanding of me. I don't actually bond well with many people, family being the hardest. Having bonds that are of a "blood" type does not mean, to me anyway, that I will necessarily stay at the side of that individual no matter what. Blood doesn't always come first to me. Ethically, it is wrong to put family first no matter the consequences. They're only human and they're not always the right choice. Ethically, it's better to do the right thing. Family bonds don't always offer this option. These are my "flaws" if you would so deem them.

The first question isn't so easy.


judi-who else would carry on and rant like this? :) said...

this will probably too long for a comment you don't have to post it but i figured it was the best method. you are certainly not old. you of all people should no this. age is a state of mind..chronological age has nothing to do with who you are..i would think you would see this in me. i am an intelligent woman. i am simply living my life in the way that is comfortable for me. whether or not this fits in with the "norm" or the "expected" i really don't care. i went down that are unhappy when you are living someone else's life, or someone elses expectations, trust me. and i think you know that.
i just recently came across something that read something to the effect of this: she did not see it as aging, rather as growing. she was (finally) becoming the person she was meant to me all along. sometimes we compartmentalize our lives and ourselves in the boxes that others have built long before us. not all of us fit. not all of us want to fit. it's fine. i have many friends of all ages that i cherish and who cherish me. i also have family, and as they say you can choose your friends but not your family. your thoughts regarding this are perfectly fine, it is to your advantage that you realize this and don't live according to someone or others plans or hopes or anything. people don't see this. or else they do and they deny it. but they are denying themselves. it's life. you make it your own. i was a bit surprised to read all this because you always come across as someone who wants to be seen as rebellious and who really doesn't care. do. and that's human. but be that person you want to be. i've taken a lot of hits over the years by people that have alot to say about my lifestyle and who i am, (you are probably included in that lot) but its too bad, i say to them, worry about yourself and what you are doing. leave me alone. i would say that 80% of those who i know who are in the proverbial "normal" situation are miserable, dishonest and feeling as though life is passing them by too quickly. are t hey wrong? not at all. they are honest. they know what is right, although right isn't what is always what the social definition says it should be. as for your problem with intimacy with others, i would say it is something beyond your control. and you are well aware as to why i know this. and again, people judge, but you need to remember to be comfortable in your own skin, there is no "normal" . fuck that and you know it. ya, you can be an asshole but so can everyone, i know i can. i think your true friends know who you are and it is their choice whether to deal with it or not. frank, if you're old i'm fucking dead and buried, but you know what? i'm not. days may suck, but i have moments of ecstasy and although the scales are not always balanced, i try to adjust what needs to be. sometimes i wish you you give me more credit and value as a friend. life is too short to measure up against anything and if anything at all, you are fortunate that you are seeing this now instead of later. be in touch...

Anonymous said...

Astrologically speaking, you are in a “mid-life crisis”; your whole life is one big “mid-life crisis”. It’s such a negative term though; it should be called something else. Basically, you’ll spend your whole life searching, searching for something bigger than yourself. Maybe you’ll find it, maybe you won’t. Life is about the journey anyway, and it’s YOUR journey, no one else’s.
As far as you being “cold”, I beg to differ, I’d argue with anyone who classifies you as such, including YOU. I’ve seen through your veil of indifference Frank, beneath lies a warm, honest, caring man. Sometimes the truth is hard to stomach.